Mason's Star

28 weeks 3 days....

This is something I haven't talked about awhole lot...mainly because tears pour out of my eyes when I do. It's really special because Crystal thought of this all on her own and just the timing and place that this happened...well...you'll see...have a kleenex ready!!

Last year on Christmas Eve we were coming home and Crystal was asking where Mason lived at. We told her up in heaven w/Jesus and anytime she needed to see or talk to Mason...she could just look up in the sky and he would be there. So as we were getting out of the truck, she said "Mommy, Mommy look...it's Mason!!!" I asked her where and she said "Right there...that BIG star...he's twinkling @ me". Of course I broke down because the words coming out of her mouth were so innocent and pure and I just wanted to reach up there and grab that star to let her hold. So from that day...the brightest shining star in the sky is Mason and we call it "Mason Star".

She always talks to the star just like she's talking to Mason and tells him she loves him and always takes her toys out to show him. So last night we were out spotlighting and she saw the star (which I was really surprised there was any out because of how cloudy it was). So she starts talking to it and she says "You'll always be my little boy, Mason and Clay isn't going to be up there w/you because we want him to stay here...is that ok?" OMG...I usually can control it because Crystal doesn't like seeing me upset...but I couldn't help this one. It seems the closer we get to November the more my heart is worn on my sleeve and everything upsets me. So she saw me crying and thought I was sad...which I kind of was...but I wasn't because this is what I wanted...for her to never forget about Mason and to know he is her brother...he's just in heaven. So she talked a little more and then as we were going through the trees she was playing peek-a-boo...and just laughing and very soon my tears just dried up & I was laughing right w/her. Then she told him she had to quit for awhile because she was going to drink some chocolate milk.

I started thinking about when I was pregnant last year w/Mason and how it was sooo neat to feel him shift to whatever side she was on and kick her. I never imagined somebody could form such a close bond w/something they never saw, held, or even knew what he looked like...but Crystal didn't care...she was just soooo excited that she was going to get somebody to play with. Looking back...I sometimes wonder if between Mason and God...one of the two...or maybe both knew what was going to happen and that's why he was so active w/Crystal. I don't dwell on it...but it makes me curious. Being pregnant w/Mason and Clay have been very different in that way. Clay will kick @ Crystal...but he doesn't shift sides to go be close to her. And I'm in no way saying there is no bond...because Crystal loves him just as much as Mason and Clay likes her too...she loves hugging him and kissing him & he likes when she picks books out to read and I read them to her...but it's just little things Mason did and Clay doesn't and maybe it's because of what destiny holds.

We got home and I got the biggest hug & kiss from her and she told me "mommy...it's ok". It's just like she knew what to say and to be simple about it and that's all I needed. Then for the rest of the night she was in a good mood and we played tolalaboomdeyay and ran around the fireplace, & laughed and Clay kicked for 2 1/2 hours while watching the Cardinal's game and then continued when we went to bed and thumped the crap out of Jeremy . It's a good thing he wasn't up in my ribs...cause they would be sore this morning...lol!

I really don't know what I'd do without Crystal and Jeremy. They have been my rocks through all of this. A lot of people wouldn't think a 3 year old could handle a situation like this...but all around she has been unbelievable. I thank God everyday for her.