A Reflection of my past

20 weeks...

Just a warning...this blog will probably be long, filled w/lots of emotions, & you'll need a tissue!

Is it just me or does it seem like when you've been through something you are more observant to the things & people around you. It seems like ever since we lost Mason in Nov. of 2008 I know way too many other people who have experienced the same. And these aren't people that I read about in the newspaper or hear about 2nd hand...but these are people we know personally and see out and about. Maybe it's God's reminder that we aren't alone and there are people out there that truly know what we are going through.

Today after church I got to talk to a friend that just lost their little boy. They have 2 healthy little girls and were pregnant w/their little boy finally! The day they dreamed about also turned into the worst day of their lives. Yes...they were going to have a little boy...but their was little chance he was going to make it because of complications. How could you handle news like that? She went to Indy & saw 3 specialist to see if there was anything anybody could do to help this little boy. Nobody could do anything. They took the baby. As far as I know this little boy was still alive and kicking but because of all the complications he had he wasn't going to make it much longer. So these parents had to sign to terminate this pregnancy. I thought being told your little boy's heart beat was no longer there was hard but having to sign a paper saying you can take my son, who is still kicking and moving, but has too many complications to make it...I couldn't imagine having do to that.

I was very hesitate on going up and talking to her because #1 we were due a week apart and have been talking about it, #2 we were both having little boys, & #3 I remembered what I felt like right after I lost Mason and how much seeing a pregnant woman upset me because I would have gave ANYTHING to be pregnant again. But I also remembered that those pregnant women were @ the happiest times of their lives and I should be happy for them because it's every mother's dream to have healthy kids. The 1st thing I had to do was just give her a big hug because if nothing else was said...a hug can say "I care, understand, pray, & just want you to know that I'm here for you". We did get to talk and my heart just broke into pieces for her. It was this girl that taught me it didn't matter whether our baby was a girl or boy...just as long as the baby was healthy...then God had answered all but 1 prayer and the last one would to be to get the baby here safe and sound. Talking to her or anybody else that has recently been through a loss uncovers all those feeling and emotions I felt the 1st few months after we lost Mason.

I had soooo many people telling me things would get better and @ that point of time...I never thought they could. But now that almost 9 months has gone by...I look back and see that it has got better and I couldn't stress that enough to any of these people. I have learned you need to cry and talk about what you've been through because that is how you are going to heal.

I've also learned that no matter how many babies you have after loosing one...God won't ever let you forget that angel baby. We've only known for a week we are being blessed w/another little boy and almost right away had his 1st name picked out....but do you know how many times we have called this baby by Mason's name? ALOT!! And yes...the 1st the couple of times I called this baby Mason...I cried and thought to myself "I can't do this" but I know it'll get better and this is God's way of letting me know I'll never forget Mason (like I thought I might do because of him not physically being here). I'm also glad to know and hear that Jeremy & Crystal has done the same thing so I know I'm not the only one. It's also a little of a challenge getting use to calling Mason's room to Clay's room. But I also know w/time it'll be easier and that I'll probably slip up and call his room Mason's many more times.

All in all my friend & I talked for a little while after church and she opened up a little telling me about some details of their little boy. What the most heartbreaking part was that what had happened to him there was only a 1% chance of this happening to any baby. I'm so glad that I have found another person to talk to and we know what each other are feeling. I wanted her to know that the more she can talk about it the easier things will get. I also let her know that if she ever needed to just talk or cry she could count on me to be there because I know what it felt like to just to want to cry and not say a word. She did say she is physically healing good and they were going to try again @ some point but just for sure when. I just pray that God gives her a healthy baby and it wouldn't hurt for it to be a boy...but healthy is most important!!

I fully believe that God does answer prayers because we 1st prayed to get pregnant when the time was right. I guess God wants us to have a Decemeber baby because it took 4 months to get pregnant and if all goes well we'll get to meet Clay Dec. 4 or 5th. 2nd...when we did get pregnant, I didn't care how bad the morning sickness was...just as long as it meant the baby was going to be healthy I could handle it. This time I was sick @ night and it was far worse than the other 2. 3rd...I prayed for a kicker and not a mover and Clay likes to relax and take it easy and kick when he needs to. He stayed @ a position for almost 2 weeks and kept his feet in my ribs and stomach! I think he has finally moved and his straight up and down w/the head down. 4th...I didn't really care whether we had a little boy or girl...just for the baby to be healthy and God showed us last Monday we were having a healthy little boy. Now I just pray for God to keep this little boy healthy and happy and that he makes it to this world to share a life full of joy, happiness, laughter, love, tears, scrapes, cuts, hugs, & kisses w/our family.

I guess the biggest thing I've learned through all of this is to be thankful for what you have and espcially for those little stinkheads that sometimes get on your nerves so bad you wonder why...but more times than any are sweet innocent little kids that make life worth living and is my reason to smile :-) Like I've said many times before...Crystal is truly my sunshine and brightens my days no matter how dark they might seem. I can't wait to see her w/Clay and watch them grow up together and become each other's best friends!!

Our STL vacation!

The view from our hotel room

Crystal getting her autograph from the Diamondback's relief pitcher, Clay

She was entertaining the crowd before the game started and loving every minute of it!!

There's the Man...Albert!!

The view from our seats

The Lance's enjoying the Cardinals game

This is the guy Crystal got an autograph

Crystal @ the zoo

Riding on the train @ the zoo

She really wanted to take this home because "it's just her size and her favorite color"!!!!

19 weeks 4 days...

Things have been sooo hectic around here since Monday that I almost forgot to blog about our 2nd little family vacation we took while Jeremy was on shutdown vacation.

Last Friday we headed to St. Louis for a couple of days. No real plans other than going to the Cardinals game that night. It was such a PERFECT weekend to be outdoors!!! Everything went good on the way over there. Crystal did AWESOME and watched videos the whole time. When we got over there we went to the Union Station to try to find Crystal a Cardinals outfit to wear. We weren't in there long but came out w/$28 in fudge (didn't expect to get that), an $80 hair straightener/curler (I haggled the guy down $10 and made him throw in free shampoo, conditioner, & smell good spray...lol!), and finally Crystal's little outfit. It's soooo cute...and she actually had one when she was younger. It's a little white tennis dress w/the Cardinals logo on it...needless to say she looked adorable!!

Then we went to check into our hotel room. We had a really neat view of the arch and yes...Crystal got to jump on both beds!!!

Then over to the stadium. On the way to our seats a guy for Fox Sports Midwest TV wanted to video us looking @ some hats. He said to call somebody to have the game recorded (which we had already set our recorder before we left) because we would be on tv!!!! Jeremy's mom had bought him 2 tickets to this game for his bday. The seats were AWESOME!!! We were 3 rows from the field and a little behind 3rd base. We were definitely in foul ball territory! Before the game started Crystal got her 1st autograph from the Diamondback's relief pitcher, Clay Z. (I have no idea how to spell his last name), & the neat part was he pitched that game!!! Like I said earlier...the weather was sooo good for a ballgame and we all had a blast!! During the 4th & 5th innings Crystal and I got up to walk around because our butts were getting numb...lol!! We saw Albert hit 2 home runs and Nick S. hit one. We didn't get any foul balls...but some people reaching distance from us had one land in their laps. To top it off...the Cardinals won...so we saw fireworks and it was just a good atmosphere!!

Then Saturday we got ready and headed for the zoo. Crystal had a blast and I think she wore herself out within the 1st 30 mins!!! She was dragging us everywhere and was soooo excited to see everything. We took a train ride @ the end to see the places we didn't make it too. I think we were there for 3 or 4 hours...and the best part was the weather was still nice, I was on my feet the whole time & didn't swell!!! I sure was glad to sit down though...lol!

We can't be 15 mins away from a Bass Pro Shop and not go...so we went over to St. Charles and visited the Bass Pro Shop. We looked @ boats, 4wheelers, the fish in the fish tank, and toys. We spent under $50 (which is really good for us). After that is was on our way to home sweet home!!

I'm glad to report no broken teeth, no damage to the vehicle, & we came back w/$$ left over and had a blast!! This little vacation went a lot better than our camping trip and we all had fun!

A Baby Boy!!!!

19 weeks 1 day...

Here's his profile...already a little cutie!!

He's a boy!!

His little hands and fingers

Got his hand under his chin

Today we found out that God is giving us another little boy to add to our family!!!! Needless to say we are all very excited and happy and can't wait to meet him.

Everything on the ultrasound looked really good. He weighs 9 oz and his growth is exactly where it needs to be. He was being a little stinker @ first and wouldn't let us look to see but the tech finally got in there and got the picture for us. I told Crystal he must be a little redhead like her because of how stubborn he was being...lol!! Right now he's laying on his belly w/his head down toward my r. side and his feet up towards my stomach. His HR was 150 bpm. We saw him playing w/his fingers and putting his hands in his face and under his chin. We got to see his little fingers too!!! Then my appointment w/Dr. Ramsey went really good. I've gained 1 lb (which I think I'm up to 8 or 9 lbs. gained so far) and my BP was 108/62. Makes a HUGE difference in my BP when I get to hear the HR because @ my last app. my HR was 128/70 but I hadn't heard the HR yet. We also talked about when the baby might be here and she said for now we'll shoot for Dec. 4 or 5th. But it all depends on how the baby is doing and how my anxiety level is. I want to make it to Dec. so my kid's birthstones are for Oct., Nov., & Dec.

Crystal was a little disappointed because she thought she needed a baby sister...but I have no doubt when he gets here she'll be all over him!!! I think she's getting a little use to the idea because she told Jeremy's dad that as long as his name started w/a "Cccc" sound like her then that would be fine. He might be laid back now...but I have a feeling Crystal is going to change that once he gets here...lol!!!

I go back to the dr. on 8/17 and they are doing another ultrasound and then to see my doc. again. We thank all of you for all the prayers but please know we still need them!!

My anxiety is getting a little better knowing he's not as active as Crystal or Mason but I can feel him kicking and moving...but it's still there. I just hope he's healthy and he's able to make it safe and sound.

I'm back to being Confused now...

18 weeks 3 days...

So about a week ago I was leaning more toward this baby being a girl...but now everybody who thought this baby was a girl too has jumped over onto the boy ship...which leaves me confused again. It's just tricky cause this baby does everything either in the middle or right between what Crystal and Mason did. Oh well...only 5 more days until we find out (hopefully) and I don't care...I just want a healthy happy little baby that will make it here safe and sound!!

As far as I know things are going good so far. This baby doesn't move awhole lot but it does like to kick. It's most active in the evening. And so far it tends to stick to my left side which probably explains why I have constant indigestion problems and can't eat anything...lol!!! The one thing that I would like is for this baby to have lots of hair just like Crystal and Mason...other than that...that's the only picky thing I want...lol!!

The kicking has made a wonder when it comes to my nerves. I'm more relaxed and not as worried right now...which will probably change come Nov. and I hit the 34 week mark. So I'm enjoying that right now. Swimming has made a HUGE difference too...it's soooo relaxing and the baby really likes it too...I can feel it kicking and moving when I'm floating in the water. I have been taking it a lot easier this round...no firewood stacking and mowing and thinking I can be pregnant and be superwoman/mom @ the same time. Supermom comes 1st cause I want my kids to be happy and healthy. I don't know when the last time it was I took a 4wheeler ride :-( but better safe than sorry! The only thing I don't know what I'm going to do about it Crystal's bday party. We have always done a hayride for her and it is bumpy. Jeremy drives the tractor and I ride in the back w/her and she always falls asleep on me...lol!! I hate to miss out on the hayride...but my doctor said nothing bumpy.

Other than that...no real cravings yet other than ice cream. I think Jeremy has my cravings for me because he can't wait to go eat coconut shrimp again and he's got a new favorite drink that he can't get enough of...lol!!!

Anybody who reads this I want you to say an extra prayer for me and all the other pregnant women out there...esp. Danielle and Chelsa and Sara. We all are experiencing some of the same feelings of anxiety and nerves. I know of sooooo many it's hard to keep track of!!! Many of them are doing good so far and others aren't. I feel like every good doctor appointment we have it's another successful hurdle we've jumped and are just that much closer to having this baby here w/us to enjoy!! So just keep us all in your thoughts and prayers until these little babies get here safe and sound :-)

Boy or Girl???? What's your guess??

17 weeks 5 days...

I have been wondering now for awhile what this baby is going to be. The guessing is about 50/50 but there has been somethings that I have noticed that point more towards one way than another. This baby has always done everything just in the middle of what Crystal and Mason did. Anywhere from it's HR to when I 1st felt it kick. It has been kind of tough to tell what I might be having. I have finally decided on my guess...you'll have to read this to the end to find out what I'm guessing.

So as you all know I like to keep track of what my babies like and dislike by kicking. Here are some of this baby's likes:
-swimming
-relaxing
-daddy's hand and voice
-reading to Crystal
-animal crackers
-ice cream (it doesn't matter what flavor either...lol!)
-fried chicken sandwiches
-sweet tea and ice cold water
-cantaloupe and watermelon
That it's so far....but I'm sure there is more to come!!

As far as dislikes:
-anything hickory smoked (I could puke just thinking about it!!)
-BBQ (which is hilarious because w/Mason I couldn't get enough BBQ...lol!)
-me eating too much (heartburn & indigestion set in really bad...I hope this kid has lots of hair!)

That's it for the dislikes. I've seen it on the US 3 times and I can tell it's more laid back and relaxed than Crystal or Mason. It puts my mind at ease a little not seeing it or feeling it doing circles inside! It does like to ping pong between my bladder and stomach @ night. The 1st times I felt it kick I could tell it's feet where down. Then a few days later I think it turned sideways and I think it might be head down now...just based on where I feel it kick.

So July 20th (Jeremy's last day of vacation) is our big day to find out what we are having. Here are what some of my family and friends are guessing:

Girl - Bethany, Natalie, Amy, Jeremy, & Crystal
Boy - My mom, Jeremy's mom, Reyna, Cameron

My guess is girl...it's not 100% but about a 60/40. I guess we'll all (hopefully) find out come the 20th!!