A Reflection of my past

20 weeks...

Just a warning...this blog will probably be long, filled w/lots of emotions, & you'll need a tissue!

Is it just me or does it seem like when you've been through something you are more observant to the things & people around you. It seems like ever since we lost Mason in Nov. of 2008 I know way too many other people who have experienced the same. And these aren't people that I read about in the newspaper or hear about 2nd hand...but these are people we know personally and see out and about. Maybe it's God's reminder that we aren't alone and there are people out there that truly know what we are going through.

Today after church I got to talk to a friend that just lost their little boy. They have 2 healthy little girls and were pregnant w/their little boy finally! The day they dreamed about also turned into the worst day of their lives. Yes...they were going to have a little boy...but their was little chance he was going to make it because of complications. How could you handle news like that? She went to Indy & saw 3 specialist to see if there was anything anybody could do to help this little boy. Nobody could do anything. They took the baby. As far as I know this little boy was still alive and kicking but because of all the complications he had he wasn't going to make it much longer. So these parents had to sign to terminate this pregnancy. I thought being told your little boy's heart beat was no longer there was hard but having to sign a paper saying you can take my son, who is still kicking and moving, but has too many complications to make it...I couldn't imagine having do to that.

I was very hesitate on going up and talking to her because #1 we were due a week apart and have been talking about it, #2 we were both having little boys, & #3 I remembered what I felt like right after I lost Mason and how much seeing a pregnant woman upset me because I would have gave ANYTHING to be pregnant again. But I also remembered that those pregnant women were @ the happiest times of their lives and I should be happy for them because it's every mother's dream to have healthy kids. The 1st thing I had to do was just give her a big hug because if nothing else was said...a hug can say "I care, understand, pray, & just want you to know that I'm here for you". We did get to talk and my heart just broke into pieces for her. It was this girl that taught me it didn't matter whether our baby was a girl or boy...just as long as the baby was healthy...then God had answered all but 1 prayer and the last one would to be to get the baby here safe and sound. Talking to her or anybody else that has recently been through a loss uncovers all those feeling and emotions I felt the 1st few months after we lost Mason.

I had soooo many people telling me things would get better and @ that point of time...I never thought they could. But now that almost 9 months has gone by...I look back and see that it has got better and I couldn't stress that enough to any of these people. I have learned you need to cry and talk about what you've been through because that is how you are going to heal.

I've also learned that no matter how many babies you have after loosing one...God won't ever let you forget that angel baby. We've only known for a week we are being blessed w/another little boy and almost right away had his 1st name picked out....but do you know how many times we have called this baby by Mason's name? ALOT!! And yes...the 1st the couple of times I called this baby Mason...I cried and thought to myself "I can't do this" but I know it'll get better and this is God's way of letting me know I'll never forget Mason (like I thought I might do because of him not physically being here). I'm also glad to know and hear that Jeremy & Crystal has done the same thing so I know I'm not the only one. It's also a little of a challenge getting use to calling Mason's room to Clay's room. But I also know w/time it'll be easier and that I'll probably slip up and call his room Mason's many more times.

All in all my friend & I talked for a little while after church and she opened up a little telling me about some details of their little boy. What the most heartbreaking part was that what had happened to him there was only a 1% chance of this happening to any baby. I'm so glad that I have found another person to talk to and we know what each other are feeling. I wanted her to know that the more she can talk about it the easier things will get. I also let her know that if she ever needed to just talk or cry she could count on me to be there because I know what it felt like to just to want to cry and not say a word. She did say she is physically healing good and they were going to try again @ some point but just for sure when. I just pray that God gives her a healthy baby and it wouldn't hurt for it to be a boy...but healthy is most important!!

I fully believe that God does answer prayers because we 1st prayed to get pregnant when the time was right. I guess God wants us to have a Decemeber baby because it took 4 months to get pregnant and if all goes well we'll get to meet Clay Dec. 4 or 5th. 2nd...when we did get pregnant, I didn't care how bad the morning sickness was...just as long as it meant the baby was going to be healthy I could handle it. This time I was sick @ night and it was far worse than the other 2. 3rd...I prayed for a kicker and not a mover and Clay likes to relax and take it easy and kick when he needs to. He stayed @ a position for almost 2 weeks and kept his feet in my ribs and stomach! I think he has finally moved and his straight up and down w/the head down. 4th...I didn't really care whether we had a little boy or girl...just for the baby to be healthy and God showed us last Monday we were having a healthy little boy. Now I just pray for God to keep this little boy healthy and happy and that he makes it to this world to share a life full of joy, happiness, laughter, love, tears, scrapes, cuts, hugs, & kisses w/our family.

I guess the biggest thing I've learned through all of this is to be thankful for what you have and espcially for those little stinkheads that sometimes get on your nerves so bad you wonder why...but more times than any are sweet innocent little kids that make life worth living and is my reason to smile :-) Like I've said many times before...Crystal is truly my sunshine and brightens my days no matter how dark they might seem. I can't wait to see her w/Clay and watch them grow up together and become each other's best friends!!