Mommy Break Down Ahead...proceed w/Caution :-)

This past weekend I had a major breakdown!!! It started w/Friday night. We decided to test Clay out in his baby bed. I was hesitant because I just like him being right there beside me in his bassinet where I can take a peak @ him if I wake up in the middle of the night. But I stayed strong and decided I would be ok...I had the monitor right next to my head to hear any little peep he made. He did really good though so we decided it was ok to start letting him sleep in there. Saturday was good...nothing major changed. Then Sunday morning came. His morning feeding became his last time for me to nurse him. It made me sad to quit but @ the same time I think he was getting close to being need to wean off because he's starting to teeth and he has bit me a couple of times the past week. I didn't want him to continue to do that & telling him "No"...well...that broke my heart too plus he'd just smile really big @ me. Plus w/my new birth control I'm taking I couldn't be nursing. Then on Monday I went to get him dress so we could leave for work and his clothes were too small...so we had to switch out to 3-6 month clothes :-( Then on top of that I get to work and my boss is anything but friendly so I sat and cried most of the time I was @ work. There was just too much stuff that was changing in a short period of time.

I'm a little better now...but this week has been an emotional roller coaster for me. For the past 2 yrs I've either been pregnant or trying to get pregnant so I've not really done a lot of stuff for myself...it's always been for the sake of getting pregnant or for the little boys I carried or nursing Clay...which I'm not complaining about that at all...but I kind of don't know what to do with myself now. Just yesterday I had bad sinus stuff going on and I was sitting there wondering what I could take...then it came to me that I can take anything now. It sounds silly to get upset over something like that but I did. I think that w/me starting a new birth control and not nursing now I've got more hormones to deal with and it's making me emotional.

Then there's the issue of having more kids or not. Jeremy doesn't and I really don't...but when I talk about no more kids...I get upset w/that too. I'm 95% sure I don't want anymore because I don't want to take any more risks and I have 2 of the most happy and healthy kids anybody could ask for. It's not like there aren't with me 24/7 because they go to work w/me, they go shopping w/me...there's really not alot I don't do w/them. But since I've been having all this overwhelmness I'm going to drop my 2 hr. day @ work and just be there for 2-3hr days. I want to stay home more and enjoy my kids. I think this will help alot because summer is coming up and it's always so nice to be outside and go swimming. Jeremy gave me to ok to just stop working all together but I can't let go of a job that lets me bring my kids to work and where I get to make my own work schedule. I really think I jumped too fast into coming back to work and didn't take the time off that I needed. I started back @ 6 hrs. a week 2 weeks after I had Clay & my 8 hrs. a week 4 wks after I had him..so I don't think I allowed myself to have that "at home time" because @ that point I was scared to death of the NICU bills that we were maybe going to have...but that's all paid off and wasn't as bad as I thought they were going to be. People might think it's silly to not be able to work 8 hrs. a week...but when you have 2 kids and you take care of all the household chores time goes by wayyyyyy toooooo fast!!!! When they both get in school...I have no problem taking on a full time job. But I see it as Jeremy right now has an excellent job & since I do all the housework that allows him to come home and play w/the kids, we have a nice house that's comfortable for us (it's by no means our "dream home" but it does it's job), & we have dependable vehicles. Plus not to mention our outdoor toys we have and everything we get to do...and Jeremy wants me to stay home.

Well...I feel much better after typing this all out...maybe that's what I needed. I'd have to say that having these 2 little rays of sunshine is a blast!!!!! They love each other and are starting to learn how to interact w/each other too!! I think Crystal is past her little jealous point she had @ first. It took a little while but now she knows she ALWAYS gets her "me and mommy" time everyday...she just has to be a little patient. She's into makeup and painting nails and doing hair...so right now that's what we've been doing and she LOVES it!!! We were going to send her to preschool this fall...but I'm going to try to home school her for preschool. She's sooooo smart now & I hate to pay close to $200 a month for her to sit and hear what she already knows. I plan on doing K workbooks w/her and then I've found some neat things and ideas on the internet....and I promised her field trips too!!! She's a little disappointed...but @ the same time exicted because we are going to do everything she would have to do in the mornings to get ready and then just have school @ home.

Clay is waking up and Crystal is needing a snack...so to whoever reads this...thanks for listening :-) The picture above is my favorite time...when I get both to have both of my little blessings on my lap :-)

Why do they have to Grow up soooo fast :-)

Crystal, Jeremy, & Clay chill'n on our little balcony @ the Opry hotel

He LOVED this bath time. I actually let him lay in the water and he kicked like a little mad man!!!

Needless to say...he loved his wagon ride too!! Can't wait for some more warmer days :-)

Crystal & Clay in their new pj's...clay had to change his because he decided to spit up all over them

Clay eating homemade peach baby food...and he LOVED it too!!! I don't think there is anything this boy doesn't like.

I can't begin to explain how much joy this little boy has brought to my life. He is everything and more that I ever imagined and dreamed about. I couldn't imagine my life without him now...he's everything to me...just like his sissy :-)

So Clay is 3 1/2 months old now. Last night he slept in his baby bed...from 9pm-6am!!!! Needless to say...I think he likes it and that means no more bassinet in our room :-( ...but that doesn't mean he can't sleep w/me after Jeremy leaves for work. From about 5:45am-7am is our little snuggle time and sometimes I'm sandwiched between both kiddos...but those moments are why being a parent is the greatest!!!! I think with Clay sleeping in his baby bed...maybe...he might start rolling over. He's almost got it from his back to his belly...but not so much the other way. Oh well...he'll get there :-)

He is a little ladies man!!! I've never seen a baby talk, smile, & laugh @ girls the way he does. We thought we were in trouble w/Crystal...he has already graduated from Charming School 101 w/flying colors!!! He's attracted to redheads too...hummmm...wonder why???

Everything esp his sissy is funny now!!! His laugh is soooooo cute too!!!! I have it on video and am trying to find a way to put it on here and facebook...but haven't figured that out yet.

He's still a momma's boy...but he's starting to find Jeremy very interesting. They are definitely going to be sport watching buddies...he LOVES to watch basketball and football!! We are hoping he'll add in baseball too! He loves to be outside and going for wagon rides. We'll have to get some sunglasses to keep the sun out of his eyes so he can see everything around him.

He is a cuddler which is why drying up from nursing is probably going to be hard. He is starting to become attached to nursing because of the snuggling...so we'll have to figure something else out. I promised him though that just because the nursing was over didn't mean he had to stop snuggling!!

I fall in love with him more and more everyday and thank God for him. They say there's a reason why things happen. I always wondered..."Why Mason" but now that Clay has been here...maybe he's more of what I needed...and I can't explain that feeling...it's just there. It probably sounds horrible how I just worded that...but I can't explain how I feel about Clay. I was so scared about how could I possibly love somebody as much as I love Crystal...but I know how now :-)

I can't believe it's been 3 months!!!

On the 3rd Clay turned 3 months old!!!!! I can't believe time has gone by soooo fast!!! He makes it soooo much fun and now that he's really starting to interact w/Crystal...watching those two is very entertaining!

So some things he's learning is GRABBING!!! That's his big thing right now...he grabs everything from hair, hoop earrings, the phone cord @ work, shirts...and he's trying to get the time down to put it in his mouth. The other day he was sitting in his bouncy seat and had been studying this toy elephant and trying to figure out how to grab it. Well...he got ahold of it's leg and had it all twisted in his hand. He was flinging his hand everywhere and of course the elephant was moving wildly and his eyes were soooo huge like he couldn't believe he had finally did it! He was just "ooooo" and "cooooo" to it...it was sooo funny!! He also likes to grab ahold of your shirt and twist it and put it into his mouth and suck on it. He LOVES getting ahold of Crystal's hair and just smiles when she makes all those funny sounds trying to get away from him!

He's discovered Mickey Mouse is pretty entertaining too. The other day he laid on the floor and watched a whole episode of him! I think he like Mickey and Donald the best.

He loves to still be talked to and will talk back. He does facial expressions to go along w/his stories and they are priceless!!! He'll smile @ just about anything or anybody...he's got Crystal's personality so he'll be quite the little charmer :-)

Most of the things he's found funny has been stuff Crystal has done. He does think it's funny when I run my finger down his nose and then tap his top lip. He's laughed out load a few times and his little laugh is just adorable!!! When Jeremy talks to him he really studies him and takes it all in. That's good because Jeremy's smart and doing stuff comes sooo easy to him...I hope the kids take after him on that.

He had his 1st cold which lasted about 2wks. I'm soooo thankful that's all it was and didn't turn into something worse because there is soooo much stuff going around and I know soooo many people who's babies have had RSV. I thank God everyday for healthy kids!!!

Everyday I wake up I fall in love all over again. He is such a happy baby and he's everything I dreamed he would be. I have been so scared of making sure to do everything right to protect him because I couldn't stand the thought of him not being here. He'll never replace Mason...but the emptiness I had in my heart from loosing him has been filled w/Clay. Clay is a free spirited and happy little guy who loves to snuggle w/his mommy and that is exactly what I've needed. I can look into his eyes and see that he knows what I need and then he'll flash that huge & adorable smile and snuggle under my chin and cooooo @ me. There's no doubt he's a momma's boy and will always be. I love him more and more everyday and everyday I thank God for him.

I'll put some pictures up later...there are some really good ones :-)

My typical day...

I got this from a friend and I'm suppose to tell how my days go. I'll try my best...but we really just kind of take it day by day...a lot less stressful that way!!

7am - Me & Clay usually wake up...nurse and bottle feed. Take him and change him and get his clothes on for the day. Usually Crystal wakes up shortly after we get up and after I feed Clay I get her some strawberry milk and breakfast. Then she gets ready after a round of cartoons.

8am - If it's Mon, Wed, or Fri I'm trying to load the kids into the Expedition to head to work. I have a WONDERFUL job that I can take both kids to. I only work 8 hrs. a week...but it's an extra $80 for the week to do what we want with. The kids do really good @ work too. Crystal has a tv and toys and Clay has a bouncy seat. If it's Tues or Thurs then we just sit and watch some cartoons. I'll sit w/them for awhile and then usually put clay on the floor to play w/his kicker while I clean the kitchen.

9am - 10am Either working or cleaning and playing. At about 930am Clay is hungry again so I bottle feed (I'm weaning him from nursing) and then he takes a short cat nap.

10am-11am - Either working and getting ready to head home @ 11am or playing w/Crystal while Clay sleeps a little.

11am-noon- We eat lunch.

noon-1pm - Crystal does her K books and I feed Clay (nurse & bottle) and then he goes down for his big nap.

1pm-2pm - Clay's napping, I'm either doing cleaning/laundry or Crystal & I are playing the Wii and exercising.

2pm-3pm - Clay's napping, I do my workout Wii for 30 mins and Crystal is usually playing baby dolls or barbies.

3pm-4pm- I start supper. Clay usually wakes up and get changed and feed (nurse and bottle) and Crystal watches some Dora or whatever she's in the mood for.

4pm-5pm - Either fixing supper, finishing cleaning. The kids are playing.

5pm-6pm - Daddy's finally home!!!! Eat supper @ feed Clay (bottle) @ around 6pm. Crystal is usually drawing a picture for her daddy :-)

6pm-7pm - Have some family time and play w/the kids. Sometimes Jeremy & I might get to watch one of our shows.

7pm-8pm - Every other night is bath night for all of us. I usually just get in the tub because it's easier to wash Clay that way. Plus he likes being in there w/Crystal and smiling and laughing @ her. I usually get Crystal washed 1st and while Jeremy is getting her ready I wash Clay and then he gets him ready while I wash myself.

8-9pm - Feeding Clay (nursing & cereal bottle). Crystal gets a little strawberry milk & a bedtime story.

9pm-10pm - Mine and Jeremy's time :-) then off to bed!!

10pm-5am - sleep, sleep, sleep

5am-6am - Clay might wake up when Jeremy's alarm goes off @ 515am and usually he'll just nurse from one side and goes back to sleep snuggled up in my arms.

6am-7am - Sleep. Usually by this time both kids are in bed w/me and Jeremy is off to work.

I reached my goal!!!!

I'm sooooo proud of myself!!!! When Clay was born I set a goal to be able to nurse him until he was 3 months old...I I reached that goal on Wednesday!!! I nursed Crystal for 6 weeks and then got an infection and didn't have a really good pump so I quit. I was a little disappointed but I didn't have a choice. So this time around I told myself I was going to do it...and do it right! Clay is a good eater so he empties me out and doesn't leave anything...lol! I'm going to continue until the end of the month and then start drying up. This way he gets through RSV and flu season. Plus w/it starting to warm up we'll be outside and I don't want to deal w/the "full" feeling and be able to go do whatever whenever. Plus my pump that I've borrowed I think just bit the dust today...sorry Bethany :-( Nursing has been a task...esp this time around because of a 4yr. little girl who was very interested in what I was doing...lol! She hasn't tried to nurse her baby dolls like I did when I was little but she does make comments when she sees animals nursing their babies. She's been really good about it though. It's also been interesting on road trips. I had to buy a converter so I could pump in the truck. I've also mastered the task of pumping & driving through Evansville...you got to do what you got to do...lol!