Mommy Break Down Ahead...proceed w/Caution :-)

This past weekend I had a major breakdown!!! It started w/Friday night. We decided to test Clay out in his baby bed. I was hesitant because I just like him being right there beside me in his bassinet where I can take a peak @ him if I wake up in the middle of the night. But I stayed strong and decided I would be ok...I had the monitor right next to my head to hear any little peep he made. He did really good though so we decided it was ok to start letting him sleep in there. Saturday was good...nothing major changed. Then Sunday morning came. His morning feeding became his last time for me to nurse him. It made me sad to quit but @ the same time I think he was getting close to being need to wean off because he's starting to teeth and he has bit me a couple of times the past week. I didn't want him to continue to do that & telling him "No"...well...that broke my heart too plus he'd just smile really big @ me. Plus w/my new birth control I'm taking I couldn't be nursing. Then on Monday I went to get him dress so we could leave for work and his clothes were too small...so we had to switch out to 3-6 month clothes :-( Then on top of that I get to work and my boss is anything but friendly so I sat and cried most of the time I was @ work. There was just too much stuff that was changing in a short period of time.

I'm a little better now...but this week has been an emotional roller coaster for me. For the past 2 yrs I've either been pregnant or trying to get pregnant so I've not really done a lot of stuff for myself...it's always been for the sake of getting pregnant or for the little boys I carried or nursing Clay...which I'm not complaining about that at all...but I kind of don't know what to do with myself now. Just yesterday I had bad sinus stuff going on and I was sitting there wondering what I could take...then it came to me that I can take anything now. It sounds silly to get upset over something like that but I did. I think that w/me starting a new birth control and not nursing now I've got more hormones to deal with and it's making me emotional.

Then there's the issue of having more kids or not. Jeremy doesn't and I really don't...but when I talk about no more kids...I get upset w/that too. I'm 95% sure I don't want anymore because I don't want to take any more risks and I have 2 of the most happy and healthy kids anybody could ask for. It's not like there aren't with me 24/7 because they go to work w/me, they go shopping w/me...there's really not alot I don't do w/them. But since I've been having all this overwhelmness I'm going to drop my 2 hr. day @ work and just be there for 2-3hr days. I want to stay home more and enjoy my kids. I think this will help alot because summer is coming up and it's always so nice to be outside and go swimming. Jeremy gave me to ok to just stop working all together but I can't let go of a job that lets me bring my kids to work and where I get to make my own work schedule. I really think I jumped too fast into coming back to work and didn't take the time off that I needed. I started back @ 6 hrs. a week 2 weeks after I had Clay & my 8 hrs. a week 4 wks after I had him..so I don't think I allowed myself to have that "at home time" because @ that point I was scared to death of the NICU bills that we were maybe going to have...but that's all paid off and wasn't as bad as I thought they were going to be. People might think it's silly to not be able to work 8 hrs. a week...but when you have 2 kids and you take care of all the household chores time goes by wayyyyyy toooooo fast!!!! When they both get in school...I have no problem taking on a full time job. But I see it as Jeremy right now has an excellent job & since I do all the housework that allows him to come home and play w/the kids, we have a nice house that's comfortable for us (it's by no means our "dream home" but it does it's job), & we have dependable vehicles. Plus not to mention our outdoor toys we have and everything we get to do...and Jeremy wants me to stay home.

Well...I feel much better after typing this all out...maybe that's what I needed. I'd have to say that having these 2 little rays of sunshine is a blast!!!!! They love each other and are starting to learn how to interact w/each other too!! I think Crystal is past her little jealous point she had @ first. It took a little while but now she knows she ALWAYS gets her "me and mommy" time everyday...she just has to be a little patient. She's into makeup and painting nails and doing hair...so right now that's what we've been doing and she LOVES it!!! We were going to send her to preschool this fall...but I'm going to try to home school her for preschool. She's sooooo smart now & I hate to pay close to $200 a month for her to sit and hear what she already knows. I plan on doing K workbooks w/her and then I've found some neat things and ideas on the internet....and I promised her field trips too!!! She's a little disappointed...but @ the same time exicted because we are going to do everything she would have to do in the mornings to get ready and then just have school @ home.

Clay is waking up and Crystal is needing a snack...so to whoever reads this...thanks for listening :-) The picture above is my favorite time...when I get both to have both of my little blessings on my lap :-)